A letter to my midwife – before I give birth

I am glad for many reasons that you have been my midwife. I wanted to share my thoughts with you, and I hope you can appreciate them.

I have learned many many things- about you as a friend and as a midwife, myself, and being under the care of a midwife that are all very valuable lessons to me- that and I am sure I will use throughtout my life.

Through having a ultrasound which I had no intention of having until this issue arose, [for our mutual knowledge of whether or not I was having twins],  and despite my knowing for years now ‘how they go’ [what they often report] especially a late ultrasound [at 37 weeks]:

I came to understand personally why a woman would believe the things she is told, and why she would do the things they so often do next;  get induced with drugs…or go ahead straight for a Cesarean Section – because they are told their baby is *too big*, and will only get bigger.

I have had big babies – yes! – 11 pounders (3 so far) –  but hearing what I heard (that my 37 week baby was already 9.5 lbs.) and knowing the math of:   baby’s gain up to a 1/2 lb per week – and for me with a solid track record of running 2 weeks past due – meant  being pregnant for another 5 weeks after that – scary.

No one wants to pass a huge baby – even if they *can*.

I feel greatful that I have a care provider (and that there even are any left) who *knows* for herself, on  a professional level, that prenatal ultrasounds can’t be trusted for most of the things its used for-weight, age, etc. We [you,  myself, and my husband] opted to do the ultrasound for verification of multiple pregnancy, and apparently also for amniotic fluid levels to c.y.a., and to ease your mind after our shared past of a less that great birth (understood). Part of me later wished I had asked to not know anything but the quantity of babies and their sex, but that’s not how this was supposed to go- I am supposed to be having this experience, and learning these lessons.

Through conversation between us, I do not know who said it first; we decided to attempt what we consider a *safe*  induction….herbs, membrane stimulation/stripping, sex, evening primrose oil,  etc. In our conversation about doing these things you said “it might just take a couple of days” which to me, what I heard was: ” it works, will, can, does.. Just takes a little longer sometimes” and I thought ‘great! I will be done by the end of the week!‘  No problem! Funny how much your perception is changed/warped when you are the pregnant one hearing those words.

If I were not pregnant, as well even now but only through a distant, tiny little voice could I really hear what those words mean… (“it will only will encourage a bit IF you ar near that anyway”) but I heard it differently being eager, uncomfortable, and very pregnant.

While our ‘math’  leading to choosing to attempt induction seemed  sound in theory: that baby was good for dates, that baby was mature enough, that I really wanted to be done being pregnant…what I failed to see until later what happened concurrently in our attempt to push our baby to come out,

was that by not trusting my body and my baby to have my baby
when when it was supposed to I almost immediately and completely lost faith
in its ability to birth healthily, safely, and *on time*.

My mind has tried (but I can’t and won’t) blame you – for asking for the test, for just being a midwife, and for you being *in* my space and pregnancy:  that would be easy and lazy. I chose and accepted this path & our relationship for this pregnancy, and I am greatful for all the experiences I have had.

I have now seen for myself how any test and attempts to alter the course of a pregnancy can affect the mother’s and perhaps also the care provider’s perception of: the state of the pregnancy, the mother’s body, and the baby. In my recent past without knowing what I was doing or why, I fought fiercly to protect this from happening  to me with my extreme attitude towards birthing and prenatal care through having a UC (or unnattended birth):  with Violet’s birth and then further more with my next birth of Sebastian.

I believe now I can see the full circle of having and not having care…
and what they both can afford as well as steal from a woman.

Having herbs in my hands, and thinking I could or should try to push my baby to come, also equally made way for me to be mad at my body and perhaps my baby too- for not submitting to our herbal requests, pleadings, pushes, strippings, and prods. I also felt like a failure, and then wondered deeply what was wrong with my body and or the baby that it did not just *do* what it had been told to do. It started with perhaps there was something very wrong with the baby…perhaps I wouldn’t go into labor in due time, my body was too tired from this pregnancy- and I would have to be cut….perhaps he [our baby] was broken in some way that he could not take birth so that’s why I wasn’t going into successful labor after we pushed him. Perhaps… I wondered a lot of different scenarios- and a lot of worries.

Before this pregnancy- I had a resoundingly strong and faithful view of pregnancy as a healthy state and process.

I *believed* in mom’s and babies wholly. I really *trusted* birth.

I do know stuff happens, but mostly not. Mostly, it works.

I feel stronger about it again- and am glad that I had the experience of loosing faith,
and that I had the strength, knowledge, and support
of friends, family, and you to regain it.

I am patiently awaiting my son, and will not *do* anything else to myself or him to alter our natural course.

I can’t.

My love to you and gratitude for our experience together-

jaimee

~ by ladymissjme on April 11, 2009.