So…she finally asked.

I have been waiting for 6 years-6months-28 days for this question. The ground work has been laid for this the whole time, but most especially over the last 3 months. My daughter was born before I was married to my husband and her father Forrest, but he did not give the seed that started her. We do not lie to her, and intended to tell her the truth, when she asked. I trust God and the Universe, and have been waiting till she asked me, that if she asked, she would be ready to know. She has asked many questions dancing near the actual question..but has never point blank asked, till now.

She has an extensive understanding about how babies are made, and the correct terminology to describe it. She asked, we told the truth. She has understood the actual how-to part of conception {sex} for about 4 months.

Today, she was playing Barbie. She had a mom and dad. They got married. About 5 minutes later, she announced they had a baby to my husband. He remarked “wow! that’s fast!” And I replied “well…that’s about right in our case! ” We chuckled. About 5 minutes later she walked up to us in the kitchen and said “Who gave you the ‘zac’ when you had me?” We both immediately knew what she was asking, but as I have been careful to not just blurt it out to her, I asked her what she meant – what was a ‘zac’. She restated “a ‘zac’, you know, when the sperm swims to the egg and goes into the zac to get inside to make the baby.” She was a little off, but she had the right idea.

It was time.

I walked into the studio off the kitchen and sat down on the floor. She followed, sat down, and asked me what I was doing. I said I wanted to sit. For just a moment, I was hoping she would forget. She didn’t. My husband { whom my daughter was not looking at} had a horrified look on his face, he squinted like he was about to get a shot and waved his head back and forth in that “no, no, no please don’t” way. He walked out of the kitchen since he wasn’t seeming to really be part of the conversation, and he was afraid of what was potentially about to happen.

She said, “so – who gave you the ‘zac’?” And I thought for a moment. I replied, “A man who I loved very much, who did not love me back.” She replied by asking his name, which I obliged, and then what he looked like, which I also met with his hair and eye color. She asked no more questions, and seemed very, like it was just another fact to be absorbed, much like when we discuss dinosaurs or any other intangible thing. We went about our ways, and about 20 minutes later I wanted to know why she asked, why now. So I asked her “why did you think your ‘zac’ was not from daddy?” She answered with “because I was in your wedding pictures.” So I went on to elaborate a little more for her. I told her that when she was a baby about her brothers age {she was 10 months old} we were napping on a blanket in the sun outside and I was reading a book called Primal Mothering, about a family who lives many of the ways we do now, and wanted to then. I asked God to show me the face of my life mate, since I was not with him now. When I asked -I said I was ok with it not being now – but I wanted to see his face. I waited and heard’ Forrest’ in my ear, as if carried by the wind. Over and over again. I thought for a minute and checked through my thinking, to make sure I was not picking this, and it was ok – I didn’t feel like I was forcing it. I contacted his mother that evening as I hadn’t seen him in 2 years to ask where he was living. She let me know he had just moved in with her, and that I should go over. I asked “shouldn’t I call?” She said no- just go over and show up.

So I did. And we went out to the Beach where we were married, and he loved my little belle, and played with her, and hugged her. And he looked deeply into my eyes.. and we stayed – together. We moved in together, and here we are now, married with 4 children including belle.

She asked how daddy knew he loved me, and her. I told her it was a feeling deep in your tummy andeart, inda like when you do something good or bad, how you know something is ‘right’ or ‘belongs’. She seemed to understand, and then I clarified that it gets easier to identify those feelings as you get older, and that pleased her.

I felt better, so very much better. And any tentative anxiety I have held all these years is gone, finally gone.I can take a deep deep breath, and let it go.

He loves her dearly, and she him.

That is all that matters to her, and she does not question it.

~ by ladymissjme on October 16, 2007.