A letter to my midwife – before I give birth

I am glad for many reasons that you have been my midwife. I wanted to share my thoughts with you, and I hope you can appreciate them.

I have learned many many things- about you as a friend and as a midwife, myself, and being under the care of a midwife that are all very valuable lessons to me- that and I am sure I will use throughtout my life.

Through having a ultrasound which I had no intention of having until this issue arose, [for our mutual knowledge of whether or not I was having twins],  and despite my knowing for years now ‘how they go’ [what they often report] especially a late ultrasound [at 37 weeks]:

I came to understand personally why a woman would believe the things she is told, and why she would do the things they so often do next;  get induced with drugs…or go ahead straight for a Cesarean Section – because they are told their baby is *too big*, and will only get bigger.

I have had big babies – yes! – 11 pounders (3 so far) –  but hearing what I heard (that my 37 week baby was already 9.5 lbs.) and knowing the math of:   baby’s gain up to a 1/2 lb per week – and for me with a solid track record of running 2 weeks past due – meant  being pregnant for another 5 weeks after that – scary.

No one wants to pass a huge baby – even if they *can*.

I feel greatful that I have a care provider (and that there even are any left) who *knows* for herself, on  a professional level, that prenatal ultrasounds can’t be trusted for most of the things its used for-weight, age, etc. We [you,  myself, and my husband] opted to do the ultrasound for verification of multiple pregnancy, and apparently also for amniotic fluid levels to c.y.a., and to ease your mind after our shared past of a less that great birth (understood). Part of me later wished I had asked to not know anything but the quantity of babies and their sex, but that’s not how this was supposed to go- I am supposed to be having this experience, and learning these lessons.

Through conversation between us, I do not know who said it first; we decided to attempt what we consider a *safe*  induction….herbs, membrane stimulation/stripping, sex, evening primrose oil,  etc. In our conversation about doing these things you said “it might just take a couple of days” which to me, what I heard was: ” it works, will, can, does.. Just takes a little longer sometimes” and I thought ‘great! I will be done by the end of the week!‘  No problem! Funny how much your perception is changed/warped when you are the pregnant one hearing those words.

If I were not pregnant, as well even now but only through a distant, tiny little voice could I really hear what those words mean… (”it will only will encourage a bit IF you ar near that anyway”) but I heard it differently being eager, uncomfortable, and very pregnant.

While our ‘math’  leading to choosing to attempt induction seemed  sound in theory: that baby was good for dates, that baby was mature enough, that I really wanted to be done being pregnant…what I failed to see until later what happened concurrently in our attempt to push our baby to come out,

was that by not trusting my body and my baby to have my baby
when when it was supposed to I almost immediately and completely lost faith
in its ability to birth healthily, safely, and *on time*.

My mind has tried (but I can’t and won’t) blame you – for asking for the test, for just being a midwife, and for you being *in* my space and pregnancy:  that would be easy and lazy. I chose and accepted this path & our relationship for this pregnancy, and I am greatful for all the experiences I have had.

I have now seen for myself how any test and attempts to alter the course of a pregnancy can affect the mother’s and perhaps also the care provider’s perception of: the state of the pregnancy, the mother’s body, and the baby. In my recent past without knowing what I was doing or why, I fought fiercly to protect this from happening  to me with my extreme attitude towards birthing and prenatal care through having a UC (or unnattended birth):  with Violet’s birth and then further more with my next birth of Sebastian.

I believe now I can see the full circle of having and not having care…
and what they both can afford as well as steal from a woman.

Having herbs in my hands, and thinking I could or should try to push my baby to come, also equally made way for me to be mad at my body and perhaps my baby too- for not submitting to our herbal requests, pleadings, pushes, strippings, and prods. I also felt like a failure, and then wondered deeply what was wrong with my body and or the baby that it did not just *do* what it had been told to do. It started with perhaps there was something very wrong with the baby…perhaps I wouldn’t go into labor in due time, my body was too tired from this pregnancy- and I would have to be cut….perhaps he [our baby] was broken in some way that he could not take birth so that’s why I wasn’t going into successful labor after we pushed him. Perhaps… I wondered a lot of different scenarios- and a lot of worries.

Before this pregnancy- I had a resoundingly strong and faithful view of pregnancy as a healthy state and process.

I *believed* in mom’s and babies wholly. I really *trusted* birth.

I do know stuff happens, but mostly not. Mostly, it works.

I feel stronger about it again- and am glad that I had the experience of loosing faith,
and that I had the strength, knowledge, and support
of friends, family, and you to regain it.

I am patiently awaiting my son, and will not *do* anything else to myself or him to alter our natural course.

I can’t.

My love to you and gratitude for our experience together-

jaimee

Sad State of Birth in American Society

My husband just announced to me that a fellow programmer he follows on Twitter: Jeff Atwood/”coding horror” that his wife was sectioned 7 hours ago. We have been following him on Twitter for a bit- but of keen interest to me was that his wife’s labor was induced…

I am beginning to wonder if you can even call an “induction”  labor- as the majority of the normal physiologic process of labor is skipped, left out, ignored and over-ridden. There is a supreme dance of physical, chemical, emotional, and mental processes and send-offs that happen to make birth happen as it should.

Geek Speak: if your string is incomplete or not formed properly: your guaranteed to throw an exception.

Same with your woman’s woman parts. They work fine- and best – when left undisturbed with chemicals, repeated vaginal exams by strangers, bright lights, uncomfortable strange places, noises, lack of sleep and lack of food.

Geek speak: you wouldn’t DREAM of expecting to your mid-grade site with avg traffic to suddenly handle the amount of traffic and DB queries that an enterprise class site does… Without FIRST taking the necessary steps of installing the necessary software, and paying for the bandwidth, and testing.

This is what pre-labor and a normal, naturally occuring not forced labor does: …gearing up mom mentally and physically- tipping off a chemical cascade to ripen and open her passageway for the best-timed smooth sailing.  Allowing her the physiologic and psycholgical process she’s meant to be allowed: for her go from fearful, coping through, to making effort and triumphing in her journey with good support.

A woman allowed to birth in her and her baby’s own time – will leave her strong of mind and spirit, a resiliant woman and mother for years and years to come.

Geek Speak:

The site that kicks-ass and takes names on its big debut when it was complete and ready to roll…

vs.

the poor site that was cripplingly ill-prepared  that tried to pull-off a too-early launch date…

Which one do you think will  be the one making it happen years later… And its poor counterpart will be gone….or languishing in the back of a DB somewhere… left and forgotten.

Mothers and babies, and Dad’s too- often come out from the “Big Push” mangled. Emotionally, and physically. Surely not what anyone wanted when they had sweet baby dreams, while they concieved their babies…

Birth doesn’t just happen anymore- it has become another money machine industry in America…. But our bodies and babies and minds… All still work the same as they have since time immemorial, and need the same things to work as intended: peace, patience, support, gentle , honest, respectful care to arrive safely on the otherside as a whole family.

How To Legally Avoid Unwanted Immunizations Of All Kinds

this information was located at http://www.mercola.com/article/vaccines/legally_avoid_shots.htm

As you read this work and put its principles into practice, there are two basic axioms you never want to forget. They are the rock upon which all your actions are based. Nobody, anywhere or any time and under any circumstances has the right or power in this country to immunize you or your children against your will and conviction. If they attempt to do so, you can legally charge them with “assault with a deadly weapon” and have the full resources of our laws behind you. At all times in attempting to avoid unwanted immunization, you have the Law of the Land behind you. Those who would try to vaccinate you against your will are on very shaky ground. Into every compulsory immunization law in America are written legal exceptions and waivers which are there specifically to protect you from the attempted tyranny of officialdom. It is not only your right, but your obligation to use them, if this is what your conscience tells you. Article I In all your contacts with any member of the school, public health, or legal establishment, always remain calm, courteous, and humbly reverent toward their position. You are only asking of them that which the law duty binds them to give you. There is no reason, or advantage, to be gained by antagonizing them. Most of these officials believe they are discharging their trust as outlined by law. If they are overstepping the law, then you must very diplomatically bring the true facts to their attention, but without attempting to belittle them. The more you can preserve their ego, the more easily and quickly you are likely to get what you desire – a waiver of immunization. Rule No. 1: Do not harass, belittle, or antagonize officials unnecessarily. Article 2 All compulsory laws concerning vaccination (including the military) contain exceptions and waivers. It is these protections placed in the laws that you may legally use to exclude yourself and your children. Surprisingly, these exceptions were placed there, not for your sake (although you may take advantage of them), but for the protection of the establishment. How is this? Let us assume that these exceptions were not there and everyone was actually forced to be immunized. Should a child die or become mentally or physically disabled, the parent would have the perfect case to sue the doctor, the school, the health department, and even the state legislature for enormous damages. Since they allowed no exceptions, they must accept full responsibility for all the adverse consequences of the law. However, if exception waivers are placed in the law, the responsibility is then transferred back to the parent. If a child should be injured by immunization, the officials can say, “Well, the parent should have exempted him if they thought there was any danger.” Therefore, there is in truth no such thing as a compulsory vaccination law in this country. They are ALL, in essence, voluntary. The problem is that practically no one in authority will let you know this fact. Rule No. 2: There are no compulsory vaccination laws. All are voluntary, and you are held responsible for the adverse results upon you or your children. Article 3 While all immunization laws have exceptions you can use, the wording in each state differs, and you must know the exact wording for your state to make the proper request of waiver. This information can be obtained in one of two ways. Go to the reference section of your local library- look in the State Statute Revised Law Book under Public Health Law or Communicable Disease sections. The list of immunization requirements will appear first and then the exemptions will be given. Usually one or two provisions will be listed: either on religious or medical grounds or both. You may call or write your state representative and ask for a copy of the immunization laws in your state. Making this available is part of his job, and it will be sent promptly. Rule No. 3: Know your own state law so that you can conform to its exact requirements for exemption. Article 4 There are two basic reasons for exception – medical or religious. Which one you choose will often depend upon the wording of the law in your state and your personal convictions. We shall discuss medical exemption first. While laws do vary, nearly all states require that a note or certificate of waiver be submitted by a physician licensed in the state of residence. In some areas where states are small and people continually travel from one to another for business, a statement from a physician in a contiguous state will be accepted. In this letter it is usually necessary to state the reason for the requested waiver and the length of time it should extend. Many laws limit all such letters to a school year and they must be renewed each fall. The two most valid reasons for medical waiver are “the fear of allergic reaction in a sensitive child” and “to prevent possible damage to a weakened immune system.” Both of these can occur in a child who has been immunized, and since no one but the physician and the parent will be held responsible for their consequences, it is up to them to protect the child. It is possible that some states may require the letter from an M.D. or D.O., but many will allow an exemption letter from a chiropractor if it is courteously and properly written, as outlined above. Rule No. 4: Medical waivers are always valid but must be written to fit each state law and often need to be renewed annually. Article 5 The foregoing may work for school exemptions, but are there any such waivers in the Armed Forces? Yes. All branches of the Service provide “immunization waivers.” Again, if they did not you could sue them for millions of dollars if a reaction occurred from their immunizations. Because of these waiver provisions, you become responsible if you react. When you first sign up or enlist, you must state your objection to the vaccinations and tell whether it is “religious conscience” or medical reasons, such as allergies or a low tolerance to medication of any kind. If you do not show objection at this time, you have given the military the right to do what they will with you. If there is any difficulty, the same rules apply here as in the school program. Never forget, even though you may be in the Service, no one has the right to immunize you against your will. You do not give up your constitutional rights when you join the Armed Forces. Rule No. 5: The rules that govern school vaccination exemption also apply to the military. Never let anyone tell you otherwise. They do not know, or are hiding, the facts of the law. Article 6 What about international travel? May I go around the world without vaccination? The World Health Organization (WHO) in Geneva grants American visitors the right to REFUSE shots when traveling internationally. However, if an area you wish to enter is infected, you may be detained until the public health servant gives you the “go” (at his discretion). Thousands travel world-wide each year without shots – so you may if that is your choice. Many of our co-workers have traveled over much of the world and have never taken any immunizations, nor were they ever detained. It would be wise to request a copy of Foreign Rules and Regulations, Part 71, Title 42, on immunization when you receive your passport. Never forget the basic rule, “No one will vaccinate you against your will because by doing so they assume full responsibility for the consequences both legal and medical.” Rule No. 7: You may travel wherever you wish in the world without vaccination. The worst that can happen is that in very rare circumstances you may be detained temporarily. Some Important Details The above seven articles constitute all the basic rules. However, there are many important little “tricks of the trade” to having your legal requests honored. These will now be discussed. While waivers and exemptions are written into all laws on immunization, most public health officials, doctors, and especially school officials are loathe to discuss their existence when questioned, and rarely, to our knowledge, volunteer such information. A top Philadelphia school official was on the radio with the unequivocal statement, “NO SHOTS, NO SCHOOL.” This statement is of course completely counter to state law, with which presumably he is familiar. Such unwarranted dogmatism is common in the people you will encounter. Once the end of their legitimate authority has been reached, they will use their next most powerful weapon – INTIMIDATION. They will threaten to keep your child out of school, take him from you, or send you to jail. These are all idle threats because they can do none of these thing, if you follow our simple instructions. The basic rules have been given to you, but there are a few important details to be considered if the officials start on this course of unlawful intimidation. You must send a letter to the school to inform the education officials of your stand. A phone call is not legal. It can be a note from your doctor, minister, or a notarized letter from you stating your sincere objections to the immunization. If you do not do this and fail to have your child immunized, it could be construed as negligence on your part and in some states there is a possibility of legal action against you. If the school should refuse to honor your letter, request that they give you a statement in writing outlining their reasons for refusal. If they won’t, their refusal is legally invalid, and your letter stands; they must enroll your child. If they do (they rarely will) they take the risk of incriminating themselves, especially if they are acting contrary (as is common) to what is specified in the law concerning your rights for exemption. Remember they are on tenuous ground, not you. They are your servants, you are not their servant. If worst comes to worst and you have a very knowledgeable official who writes you a refusal and states accurately the lawful reasons for refusal, he will also in a negative way tell you what the accepted exemptions are, and then you can go about meeting them, by one of the routes suggested in this handout. Child neglect is the one legal point you want to avoid at all costs. No legal parent or guardian can be charged with neglect unless he shows complete lack of concern or action to be more informed. Stripped of legal jargon, this simply means that if you can show that you have investigated the situation, have come to a specific decision concerning immunizations, and have informed the authorities of the same, no neglect charge can be brought. Neglect can be brought only when it can be shown that you have failed to have your children immunized, not out of respect for their medical or spiritual integrity, but only because you were too concerned with other matters. At times there may be a question of whether you have given or withdrawn legal consent. Legal consent is dependent upon being properly informed on both the advantages and the risks in any choice or decision you make. In other words, if a physician were to tell you that vaccination is perfectly safe and effective to obtain your consent, such consent would not be legal because he lied and you have not been properly informed. Conversely, it could be argued that non-consent is not legal if you are not fully informed about the risks and advantages of immunizations. What do I do if everyone refuses to give me a waiver? This would be an extremely rare circumstance. But should it happen, you are not left without resources. Here is where we pull out one of our big guns. Send notarized letters by certified mail to the vaccine laboratory which makes the shot (ask your doctor for the address), to the doctor who is to administer the shot, to your school principal,to the school board, and to your local health department. In these letters make it clear that since they have refused to give you a duly requested waiver, you can no longer be held responsible for what may happen to your child if they force these shots upon him. You then state that you will allow immunization if each will present you with a written signed guarantee of safety and effectiveness of the vaccine and that they will consent to assume full responsibility for any and all adverse reactions that your child may develop from the required shots. Of course none will give you such a guarantee. They cannot do so because all vaccines are considered potentially highly toxic. We have yet to hear of an instance of further harassment of parents after such letters have been sent. That’s about all that is needed to obtain the necessary exemptions for your children. All that has been said in this last section (1 to 5) is also applicable to the military and international travel, if required. Potpourri of Ammunition “As long as each individual who opposes vaccines has sincere objections, states them in writing, and signs his name – it is considered legal and proper action and must therefore be honored.” “Since many medical controversies exist surrounding immunization, drugs, and various other medications, it mandates that each individual have the right to control his own decisions and freedom of choice; anything less would be contrary to the constitutional laws that protect the citizens’ rights. “ “When you deal with school officials and lawyers, you are playing with legal terminology – move the wrong words around and you get hung.” The terminology used in this booklet has worked before and should work again. “It is important to state your objections in such a way that it complies with your state’s exemption provisions. They must then accept your request; if they do not, they are breaking their own law.” That is why it is absolutely essential that you know your own state law word for word before submitting your objection. “According to CDC (the federal Communicable Disease Center in Atlanta, Georgia), physicians are required to first inform their patients of the risks involved before they consent to vaccines.” If they do not do so, it is prima facie evidence of deceit or negligence on the part of the physician. This regulation by the federal government would also seem to assume that the patient has the right to refuse if he feels that the risks are too great. If this is so, is not the federal government on record as supporting voluntary immunization and, by obvious implication, against state-enforced compulsory immunization? Should you ever have to go to court, or what is more likely, to appear before a “kangaroo” court of school and health department officials, here is some class A evidence you might find useful to mention. No vaccine carries any guarantee of protection from the laboratory that produced it or the doctor who administered it. The U.S. military allows no-nonsense “immunizations waivers.” There is NO FEDERAL LAW on immunizations. They don’t dare. Their lawyers know the consequences. Your rights have been infringed upon by officials attempting to use force against your will. Most state officials like a nice, stress-free job. When you send in your objections and refuse to fit their ordered world by not having your children immunized, you make waves. This rocks their quiet existence, and there are only two ways their life can become orderly again: either by forcing you to their will or acquiescing to yours. What you must do to obtain an early waiver is to make the latter the easiest path for them. At first, however, an attempt will usually be made to bend you to their will by some form of intimidation. Many uninformed parents give in to this tack, and so it is tried again and again. If you are adequately informed, as a reader of this publication should be, you will let the officials know in no uncertain terms that you understand your rights under the law and will not stand for any such shilly-shallying. Invariably, once they discover you are adamant and acquainted with the state law, your waiver will be rapidly forthcoming. An Acknowledgment The greatest part of the material on the first four pages is taken from the work of Mrs. Grace Girdwain, of Burbank, Illinois. Our staff has rearranged and edited the information, but we wish the full credit for its existence to go to this courageous woman who has for twelve years worked arduously, without compensation, to help her fellow Americans obtain their legal rights. The following is an example of the state of Illionois law (where I live) relating to immunizations. Illinois, like most states has no philosophical objection, but does have a religious one. Illinois Administrative Code Title 77: Public Health Chapter I: Department of Public Health Subchapter i: Maternal and Child Health Part 665 Child Health Examination Code Subpart E: Exceptions Section 665.510 Objection of Parent or Legal Guardian Parent or legal guardian of a student may object to health examinations, immunizations, vision, and hearing screening tests, and dental health examinations for their children on religious grounds. If a religious objection is made, a written and signed statement from the parent or legal guardian detailing such objections must be presented to the local school authority. General philosophical or moral reluctance to allow physical examinations, immunizations, vision and hearing screening, and dental examinations will not provide a sufficient basis for an exception to statutory requirements. The parent or legal guardian must be informed by the local school authority of measles outbreak control exclusion procedures per IDPH rules. The Control of Communicable Diseases (77 Ill. Adm. Code 690) at the time such objection is presented. Section 665.520 Medical Objections a) Any medical objections to an immunization must be: 1) Made by a physician licensed to practice medicine in all its branches indicating what the medical condition is. 2) Endorsed and signed by the physician on the certificate of child health examination and placed on file in the child’s permanent record. b) Should the condition of the child later permit immunization, this requirement will then have to be met. Parents or legal guardians must be informed of measles outbreak control exclusion procedures when such objection is presented per Section 665.510.

The birth of Violet-Rain Tinkerbell Miller
Written September 2006.

I am writing this now 18 months after my free birth. Just like when we got married, we didn’t feel different immediately, and I/we did not have words or completed thoughts and feelings about our birth experience immediately. I have always been the kind of person who feels everything first …only after some time and reflection can I give words to my experience.

I will sub-title each part, as not all parts are the birth story itself- but about the ramifications and effects of such a choice, before and after the birth.
Midwives:
Part of why I wanted to write this is because of how a free birth affects a midwife, from my point of view.
I have had a strong desire to become a midwife since my first birth, but was shy about saying so, not sure if I were not good enough to do it.
After my second birth, I was less shy about it, but still felt fearful about admitting that I felt I belonged to the circle of women that I felt ‘belong’ in that position.
After my 3rd birth, I had to re-evaluate everything! I felt a strong desire to help women not just ‘feel’ empowered but to actually BE empowered and to allow them to lead their births the way I had, but where did a midwife fit in with that picture in my head?

After my 2nd birth my midwife and I have befriended each other. I immediately told her I was pregnant with my 3rd, heck- we told her before our parents! I was thrilled to think of birthing with my friend at my side. She was excited too. As the pregnancy progressed, many issues and miscommunications came about and put strain on the relationship. I did not want to make my family monetarily uncomfortable for care I felt I was not going to need this time.

I was having a hard time giving words to my feelings, and they were causing me increasing discomfort when thinking about the prospect of having my friend being there: as my midwife. A good illustration of this: I recall having a prenatal appointment with her at her home after having dinner with our husbands, and asking her to “not be so midwife-ey”. She wasn’t being weird per se, I see now in hindsight that I just didn’t like the feeling that I get from letting someone else take care of me – the feeling that I was giving that responsibility over to her. We stopped having her care for me around 28 weeks. I look back on all my pregnancies, and see where I let go of ‘me’ by having a midwife lead my care. After we discontinued the prenatal care relationship, she “urged” me to “seek prenatal care else where” in her official letter {that she sent Certified Mail to cover herself legally, but still very annoying} I read that as “something terrible might happen to you if someone doesn’t watch over you”.

These midwives were not overbearing women, but for me, having someone care for me was like stepping back and saying “no, you first” and not taking the lead in my pregnancy. In my 3rd {this unattended}, I took extremely good care of myself, watching my nutrition closely; using herbs and other supplements when I felt needed or saw appropriate. I monitored my blood pressure and urine occasionally, and rented a Doppler to check baby’s heart rate. I had acupuncture through out my pregnancy to deal with the standard ails of pregnancy. In my other pregnancies, I had just ‘not worried much’ and felt like I would be told do anything over and above leading my regular life if it was needed. There was a huge, empowering difference this time.

Socially, I didn’t want to be ‘wrong’, so I quit attending all the groups where my midwife was a member also, I didn’t want to talk about my choice in public…yet. I didn’t want to be ‘wrong’, especially after “announcing that I could do it myself” {by no longer having a midwife} to our mutual friends, and have something ‘bad’ happen. I needed to be of my own sound & quiet mind. I also did not know how to tell the woman who had been my closest friend that I didn’t need her, that I didn’t think I needed a midwife, with out implying that I didn’t believe in what she does? I couldn’t. Our friendship fell apart. It really hurt. It wasn’t personal, it was about where I was going, and what I needed to go through to get there.

A little of my history with birth:

I had my 1st baby while single, at 41w5d with midwife #1 at a birth center after 2.5 days of labor. Normal healthy pregnancy, birth, baby girl at 9.5 lbs. Missed the water birth that I really wanted because the water level was too low in the tub, so she asked me to get out at the last moment and also because she felt I needed to change position to push baby out. Delivered on knees, leaning on side of tall above ground tub. Hindsight: didn’t like that they didn’t consider that I announced on numerous occasions that I wanted a water birth, and they could have just put in more water. The midwife and the nurse assistant, while pleasant, broke a few jokes in the last minutes before the baby was born about how the didn’t ACTUALLY live at the birth center, it just seemed that way {referring to the long time I had been in labor and kept them there.} While I am sure it was funny to them, I had felt guilty most of the time I was in labor because it took so long. A blow like that just before your baby comes out is completely out of place and un-necessary.

My 2nd baby, was conceived shortly after my childhood sweet heart and I moved in together. Pregnant with a boy {read: SICK puke SICK sleeeep!} , and {guiltily to me} not wanting to be pregnant again yet, was very negative throughout my pregnancy. I switched from midwife #1 {again from first baby} to new midwife #2 about halfway through the pregnancy.

My water had broke the Sunday {5 days before he was born} in the pool, but I thought I could have just been peeing too… was very incontinent at that stage of pregnancy. Passed {by a negative} a nitrizine strip test at 16 hours after it broke…. The midwife ordered an AFI- but I couldn’t be seen for 5 days. We attempted to induce {via herbs and castor oil after the AFI came back with a score of 0 {AFI= amniotic fluid index test, measures amniotic fluid levels…I had “none”.} The neo-natologist asked me “what time did I want to have my baby” after the AFI was performed. My response was that I was going home to talk with my husband.

At this point the midwife no longer had to assist me, her consulting physician stated I should be in the hospital. I know that if I went in they would cut me open the minute I arrived, the clue being what “time” did I want to have my baby. Their reasoning being that my water was gone, that the cord might prolapse {slip out past his head}. I had had no leakage since my water broke {so we were pretty sure it was a high leak}, and he had been at +1 or +2 station since 37 weeks. This kid was low, and engaged, we weren’t worried about that. I asked her if she would stay with me, and she said yes. I signed some paper we wrote up real quick to CHA {cover her a**} saying we knew we were taking some risks….outside of medical recommendation. I thought it would make her more comfortable. She needed it legally in case we were weirdos if something happened. We took 2 doses of castor oil and herbs, had the first REAL strong contraction after she stripped my membranes, and he was born 1 hour 45 minutes later, it was a rough ride going that fast, like a train wreck inside my head. I couldn’t get a grip on myself.
We later examined the sac and had known the placental location – so we were able to verify what I thought might be true – he kicked a hole in the sac! He kicked me all day every day in the same place. {he is the same kind of kid now!} He was dehydrated, and did go to the hospital at 1 hour post birth, but, he was fine, would have been that dehydrated no matter where he was born. At least he was born at home vaginally, on my hands and knees on my bed. 41w 5d 11 whopping pounds even, no stitches no tears, thank you very much!

The birth of Tinkerbell, and her parents:

I conceived my 3rd on my 2nd’s 1st birthday. Oh geez, this was gonna be fun!

We had decided after my 2nd was a few months old and all the stress was gone, that it hadn’t been worth it {being stressed out}, that we would be positive about any future pregnancy, whether we thought it was good timing or not, we would have faith that all was as it was meant to be. So we rejoiced! I was thrilled, I just knew it was the little girl I had dreamt about years ago.

I was pretty sick, but acupuncture really helped, and my husband was a master smoothie maker thank goodness- since that was all I could eat my first trimester. So we infused them with vitamins and nutrients since I couldn’t stomach much else. We became masters of the blender. I stuck to organic because I could tell/see/feel the difference.

13 weeks came and I felt great, and I enjoyed my pregnancy except for stress with midwife and not knowing about whether or not I still wanted one. Near 5 months the stress had built up to the point that we {both the midwife and I} needed to discontinue care. I felt free! It was great, and then I began to research everything could to make sure we were prepared for this.

I bought a ton of Homeopathic remedies and tinctures, and a pretty beefy {one of everything} birth kit form inhishands.com. I almost considered renting an oxygen tank, but decided that if we needed to administer oxygen, we needed to have trained professional help, or to transport to the hospital.

The whole pregnancy I had been having acupuncture with a fabulous woman whom I became friends with, and later invited to be at my birth {to lend a hand if we needed more than our 4}, and because she was just mellow with great energy. She was pure joy {still is!} always has a smile and something positive to say. In her preparation for our birth, she asked questions like “should I do anything?” “Or, what rather, would you like me not to do?” She also did some research and bought for us Yunnan Paiyao: medicine carried by Asian soldiers in to battle; should they be shot/bleeding, there is a little red pill in the bottle, and powder to sprinkle on the bleeding part, it will make it quit bleeding.  She had had an unattended birth herself about 6 months prior to me meeting her, and I was inspired to hear her story, and ‘studied’ her to learn about what “kind” of person does “that”{has a UC}. Unattended Birth isn’t anything crazy; it’s just a personal choice. It is the learned messages we have in our heads about how much a woman needs prenatal and birth care and whether or not birth is safe that decides how much we think UC is off the charts.

Side note: we never had an ultrasound, but I just *knew* it was a girl, in my heart and by my mouth… meaning that when I {like many women} am pregnant with a girl I constantly want meat/protein, and with boys, carbs. It was steak tonight baby! – and chicken YEAH! Normally we are vegetarian….

We had felt SURE this was going to be my EARLY baby. We attempted to induce at 37 weeks because I didn’t want to get as uncomfortable as I had in the past at late stages. We used mild acupuncture and herbs. Tink was not coming. Ugh. We tried again at 38 weeks with castor oil. Much pooping involved, no baby. Ugh. Again, at 40 weeks with vigorous acupuncture only, and we gave up. I was silly, she was going to come on my 1st child’s birthday {march 17}, which would put her at 40w5d. That day came and went. Ugh! I should have realized then, super stubborn baby…not a Pisces, and ARIES!

I still loved being pregnant with her though; she is such a gentle soul. So- NOT on my 1st’s birthday…ok…maybe on MY birthday? That would be 41w5d weeks like the others, I could see that. I guess this is NOT another Pisces, and the stubborn, not letting be induced was starting to make sense, this was an ARIES! Ahh, great!?!?. Horns…just like me.

41w3days: Tuesday.

My first morning pee involved some blood/mucus upon wiping, I was freaked out for a moment, then I remembered, Oh Yeah! This is bloody show. Cool! But let’s not get excited. This could happen for a while. I continued to have bloody show throughout the day, and became aware of some cervical discomfort, and some mild contractions. We have a diaper business on the internet and my mother/partner was in our home working along with a friend who worked for us part time. I didn’t tell them because I didn’t want a whirlwind of buzzing energy from them in my house. Plus- I didn’t know what was going to happen, today or tomorrow or next week….. I was excited but completely mellow that it might not happen for a while.

When it was time for mom to go home at dinner time, we asked her to take the kids so we could have some quiet time, and that MAYBE something labor-ish was going on. We packed bags for the kids to sleep over just in case. The plan was for her to come with my 1st born, now a 4 year old girl who wanted to see her sister born, and I wanted to have mom around, she missed our 2nd’s birth since it happened so fast. My husband went out and got me a baked chicken dinner with veggies, but when he got home I couldn’t eat it. 10 pm rolled around and I suggested that we get the kids since nothing was really happening, and I was concerned about my son not sleeping thru till morning and keeping my parents up. While my husband was on the phone with my mom, whhoooooooaahh! That was a REAL contraction, I started waving at him to tell her to never mind, we were NOT coming to get the kids. “Here we go” I thought!

Labor started out then, and stayed steady and progressed normally. I spent time on the toilet, pooping and peeing {clearing out}, and walking back to my bedroom dresser. In the beginning I felt scared, and had a conversation with myself-

Scared me: “crap! What was I thinking having a BABY again? !!!!!! I shoulda/woulda/coulda had a midwife and or a Doula. Could I call someone? ”

Rational me: “No, not now. Why do I need one /what would they do for me? They would simply reassure me, and for me – take away the responsibility/fear I was feeling. Get a grip and feel assured that you are right where you need to be, and that all will be as it should, we had prepared for this, and will call for help if need be. I’m just in labor, that’s all. It’s early and the hormones that will melt the fear while having pain haven’t kicked in yet.”

Soon, I felt fine, and got really primal inside. We didn’t talk at all in my labor till the end. It felt really nice to be naked emotionally and physically, and totally comfortable. We had some fabulous bagpipe music playing, we are both have Scottish roots. The constant whine/hum of the pipes was very grounding.

My dresser is kind of low, so I leaned on a pillow, bent at the waist at a 45 degree angle. I spent most of my labor that way, standing bent over and rocking/swaying my hips back and forth. I would stand up in between contractions and walk a bit sometimes. I was careful to relax my hands and other muscles, as with my other labors I clenched them, and had very sore knuckles and knees later. I focused on letting my contractions push low and out, and not letting that energy diffuse to the rest of my body. Somewhere along the way, my husband called my friend who was to come, I knew she needed to wake up and to get here from the next town over, so about 45 minutes warning. We didn’t call mom to come and bring my daughter because we thought it might be a while, and I didn’t want a parade while I was in this primal calm state.

It came to me that this might take a while and had already some time had passed {I guessed, we were totally in a labor time warp} so maybe I should stop standing up, it might tire my legs too much. Our mattress is a soft side water bed {low to the floor on the platform}, and I had my husband get my birth ball for me to lean on it on the bed.

I leaned on it, and took a contraction…too low.
I tried to kneel on the bed and lean over the ball…here comes a big one…”yuck!” The ball was too big.

He ran and got another medicine ball we had been lent, it had those nubs all over so he put a comforter over it….contraction came- whoa bigger one…Ugh! Nubs suck! Could feel them through the blanket. “yuck” was all I could muster to say. He knew what was wrong.

He ran and got the kids ball, smaller than a regular birth ball, and here comes…whoa really big one! And as I learned; a MUCH harder ball. In the middle of this breaking contraction, vocalizing all the while, I decided I could not lean on this rock hard ball anymore. I rolled off the ball on to my back onto the other side of the bed. While there, only for about 2 seconds {really} I thought to myself, ‘I cannot believe they [most hospitals] make women do this [lie on their back] their entire labors. I would surely die, or hurt someone who made me do this, how terrible.’ Still in this contraction, I rolled over again, onto my hands and knees on the floor.

When it was over, I wanted to check and see if I could feel our baby. I barely touched the outside of my labia and decided better to not, it hurt. I also decided I needed to get into some water, to get into the hot tub. It might slow my labor down I thought, but I needed a break. {hindsight: the beginning of transition}

We walked quickly to the hot tub, and got in. I didn’t want another contraction on the way to the tub. I got in the water, and squatted on the bottom of the tub. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh. What relief the water brought. I waited several minutes and realized my contractions had stopped. I decided to stand up out of the water to get it going again. I would stand in between contractions until they were strong again, about 5 contractions. {hind sight: pre-pushing lull} Where was our friend? She should have been here by now, she might miss it! After 2 full-on strong contractions in the water I decided to try checking again. Easy, ok. I got my first and middle finger in my yoni {vagina} to about the second knuckle of my finger and there she was! Whoa! Almost out!

Wow.

I asked my husband if he wanted to feel her, and he did. He was amazed. “That’s her head?” He said rhetorically verifying what I had said. After that, I got very primal again, not thinking in words at all.

While in there, I felt a little bit of a cervical lip, so I waited till after the next contraction, and checked again. Still there, same place. I decided I would feel comfortable pushing it back through the next 1-3 contractions so I did. Then it was gone. Did I need to do that? Maybe not, but I did what I felt was right for me, I have had some uterine prolapse since I had my son, and was slightly concerned about my uterus getting out of the way and staying up in where it belonged.

The contractions started getting to be overwhelming me, and I was trying to climb straight-up out of the tub with each one. I leaned on the other side of the tub away from him and said sadly “I feel like saying I can’t do this…[then more upbeat] but I know that means I am nearly done!”

My husband is about as big a birth advocate/junkie/proponent {whatever word you want to say} as I am, so he has seen all of our birth/Doula/midwife education videos several times. Especially the Doula ones he watched to prepare himself to support me. It came to him that he should tell me to COME BACK DOWN HERE with him, and to get DOWN INTO my contractions. DOWN HERE is where I needed to be he said. I listened. My inner woman heard and listened to him. I faced him and braced my feet against the tub between his legs. I grasped his forearms, and he mine. We looked each other in the eyes, and I got lost in there, where I belonged. We stayed that way through the remainder of my labor, except for him giving me drinks through a bendy straw.

We heard a knock on the front door. Geez- I hope that isn’t the cops …since we were outside and I was LOUD, we were a little concerned about someone calling the police! My husband ran and got the door, it was Beth! Yeah- she made it! She stood and smiled at me, and I told her another 2 contractions and she would have missed it. We figured something happened and she couldn’t come. {She had been caught behind a drug bust on the highway, and sat for an hour waiting to go past.}

Back to labor. I felt that she was crowning, oh the ring of fire! I felt her head crowning with my hand and leaned forward, in a leaning back squat-like position. I was thinking ‘have her this way, I can catch then’. Then, through the next contraction, I felt as her shoulders were not going to be able to rotate that way, and I needed to turn over, hands and knees {just like the others I thought as I pictured me having my other 2 babies hands and knees}. I turned over, and had another contraction. Her head was half way out. Woohoo! We were doing this! I realized that in the dim light on the porch in the hot tub, my husband could not have seen that I was stroking our baby’s head –half way out!, and that he needed to be told what was going on. What to say? …”CATCH” was what I could give verbally. He said “CATCH ? ” and put his hand up to feel his daughter. “Wow! She is almost out!” He said. I thought no kidding buster, that’s MY yoni she is halfway out of! Her head passed in the next contraction. I leaned over the outer edge of the tub before the next contraction, and closed my eyes and smiled big. Beth said I looked angelic, orgasmic, and blissful. I felt orgasmic: now I know what they [other birth stories I had read] were talking about! My yoni was pulsing just like after an orgasm, I reached and held my clitoris. It was fabulous!

Next contraction was the turning-the-head-to-let-the-shoulders-through contraction. I was a little panicky and asked my husband to push on my perineum and to hurry! He fumbled a little, but no-bother, he didn’t need to, and I am glad he didn’t. This is the only birth I had not one single tear or skid mark.

She was born in the caul under water. He caught her, held her below water as I swiftly swung my leg over the baby and sat down on my bottom. I reached for her under water and he leaned forward toward me with her, keeping her under. {not more than 10 seconds total} She looked up at me from under the water. Oh was she a beautiful fairy! The amniotic fluid was glittery, like I have heard about, and she had a beautiful thick head of dark hair. I lifted her out of the water, and sat her on my leg and leaned her back into the crook of my arm to look at her.

Yep, definitely the fairy we thought she would be! And wait, yes, there is a yoni down there.  We were right, it’s a girl. We had called her through out my pregnancy as I explained to my then 3 year old when we got pregnant that the baby would not be born for a while, she was still little, like TinkTink.

After:

We hung out in the tub for a few minutes, and then I decided to get out as I did not want to birth the placenta into our hot tub. I stood up and held a bowl between my legs and had a contraction. Nothing I thought, maybe next. I moved the bowl away and goosh! A sploosh of blood. Ugh. In the water! Just the separation gush. Ok, we will wait. Another minute or 2 and the placenta delivered into the bowl. I walked into the bedroom and carried the baby and my husband carried the bowl. My friend and I put Tink on the dresser to look her over. She was a tad cold, so we did a moxa treatment on her and wrapped her in warm towels.

We called mom, she brought my oldest baby {now 4} and came over. Big sister was so proud! We all were.

I was buzzing around high once the baby went to sleep about 7 am, I made food for myself and cleaned up a bit. I could not help it, it is how I feel after I have a baby.

We were all so high, and proud, and full.

March 17, 2005

BirthWays Family Birth Center In Sarasota, FL Passes State Inspection

I am thrilled for my girlfriend and midwife Christina Holmes! Her birth center in Sarasota just passed inspection and is awaiting licensing from the State to start having births there as well as the ones she does at her client’s homes.

You can see her website: sarasotamidwife.com to read all about her and her BirthCenter’s beautiful rooms (pic), the lovely lake outside with turtles fish and ducks {and her son Jade} (pic).

MothersNaturally.org is a favorite listed with tons of resources for moms seeking information.

Please Take a moment to look over her site, learn about midwifery, and consider going to a weekly open house to “meet the midwife” see the center, and learn what’s going on! Even if your not pregnant yet, its fine to go- and tell your friends and family about it. Take them along!

PS- Tell her we sent you

Shaving..with a safety razor!

Woohoo!

My husband I have been using Gillette sensor razors for years. We are disgusted with P&G, but just   never think about buying a new razor set when at the health food store {imagine that chasing 4 kids!}…or take the time to do the research about which ones are good, cost effective, etc. So..we have just kept on with the old.

While garage sale-ing at our community garage sale last week, I happened upon a set of 2 old safety razors. GOLD! I have wanted to try these for some time… but where the hell do you buy one? And would I want to commit to the cash for that if I didn’t know I was gonna like it? .50 cents period. For 2 razors! You can barely tell they were used, but are obviously in very good condition. A nice old couple, grandparents in the back of our neighborhood, it was her dad’s. Sweet! They were all mine. Off to grocery to get the blades, I hope. Score again! 12 double-sided blades, 2.45.

$2.45 (.20 cents each) !! Gillette’s are 8 for 10.50.(1.31 each}

Thppppt! Yuck, and ‘razor burn’…is not from shaving..its from that goop on the razor that slides on after.

I tried it out. It’s a little different, but it worked well the first time. I was really scared, but there was nothing to fear. The next time I did way better. I love it, and I don’t have to but those evil slimy Gillette razors anymore.

w00t!

Vital Statistics office trip gets baby extradited from pediatricians practice

and on a more fun plugged in moment- we went to vital statistics yesterday to acquire Sebastian’s birth certificate, at 7.5 months old…I haven’t had the time to be bothered to get some papers. oh what fun it is….
“I need a note from your prenatal care provider”
I smiled, and said,” I am a midwifery student, I provided my own prenatal care”.
“well, who delivered the baby?”
I smiled, and curiously tried to make my brain understand the question…while she said “your mom, your husband?” {because they were listed as present at the birth}
So- I realized she meant who caught the baby…

“I caught the baby”

“ok”

her face riddled with “@##$%&*! HOW?? WHAT???” Another woman questioned “your a midwifery student? and you haven’t done the birth certificates?” I replied with “I haven’t done the ‘paperwork’ part yet”.

I really had the inclination to yell ” I don’t care about your paperwork or records. I don’t need this paper – an airline is making me present it to fly. And, furthermore, I don’t care that your have a rule that is needs to be filed within 5 days of the birth! I would never have come here, with all these people, and sit here with my newborn and my babymoon bleeding self to get a piece of paper, I will come now, when I am willing to bring my baby in public to a government office.

But, I smiled and waited. I really want to catch that flight.

And then she let me know she required a note/proof from the doctor that he had been seen. UGH. So I called the doc he had seen very reluctantly at 2 weeks old. We haven’t been back, because he hasn’t needed to see a doctor. He has seen a chiro 2 times as I was concerned about him falling/crawling/bumping his head and fixing any mis-alignment. He has been seen by a Doctor of Chinese Medicine monthly of more since birth. There is no reason for me to go. On occasion, in the past, when I have had pangs of fear, or latent fears & ritual leftover from my life with my very normal, very doctored parents take over and I have taken my children for ‘well visits”. As soon as I leave the room before I pay, I am full of anger at myself for going, for waiting, for asking what I knew already. As I leave, I have to PAY for it.This kills me.

So back to the story…

The Docs nurse calls back and asks why I need paperwork about that visit sent to vital statistics. She then shares that the Doctor reviewed my child’s chart, and that he will no longer see my baby, as we have not come in – and that that is a liability. I say I understand, and then get off the phone. Then my husband I yell about it for 30 minutes, WTF!!! When my birth certificates are complete, I am calling back to ask what is a liability about him not being seen. There was no contract between me and the doctor guaranteeing good heath of my baby, anything to the effect that would make him liable. I am completely bamboozled. I understand that this is likely a insurance issue, but I could give a rats ass about his malpractice insurance. I go , I ask, I decide what I take out of it.

I use doctors for this: stitching that is beyond me ability /tools I don’t have, and drugs I don’t have access to.

That’s it.

So my 7 month old just got fired for being healthy…. Oh the irony.

Midwifery In Florida

I get emails from local midwives, and doulas, and will be one of them later, when I don’t have tiny people of my own who need me so very much at this point in their lives. Here is a letter I just got from Heidi Dahlborg, a local midwife and Florida Birth Law advocate.

Hi!

Please join the Florida Friends of Midwives Yahoo Group!
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/FloridaFriendsofMidwives/

Many of you are supporters of normal birth and appreciate the accessibility of birth center and homebirth care in Florida. Here we enjoy legal homebirth, numerous birth centers, and mandatory Medicaid and insurance coverage of licensed midwife and nurse midwifery care. We also have two active midwifery schools.

In Georgia, one State away, there is not a single birth center and home birth midwifery is illegal. Midwives actually get arrested for doing home births there, and mothers looking for midwives have to find an “outlaw” midwife to attend them…you can bet they are not having Medicaid/ Insurance paid births up there at all! And Missouri has been going through terrible struggles trying get midwifery legalized, and the opposition to it is STRONG….

It is easy to forget how good we have it here.

Political circumstances over the next few years are doing to require a really strong family-mother/ consumer voice in support of midwifery. So we are going to need to come out of our quiet golden era where we have just coasted along with good conditions for birth. Its time to organize ourselves.

The great conditions we enjoy here are due to political organizing done in the 80’s and 90’s by The Florida Friends of Midwives. Consumers of Midwifery Care lobbied our government and got mother friendly laws passed in our State.

The first midwifery law was passed in 1980’s after much hard work by midwifery advocates. But then the law was reviewed in a process called Sunset review where all laws are looked at after a certain time. The American Medical Association came on strong against Midwives and the law closed, making midwifery illegal again and for 10 years the schools were closed and no midwives were issued licenses. It took ten hard years of moms writing bills, looking for a bill sponsor, and the lobbying in Tallahassee with babes in arms and baking cookies with the bill number on it to get the law we have now passed. It was actually a small miracle- a fast accidental breech homebirth of Governor Lawton Chiles grandchild, safely attended by a midwife working as an EMT since could not get a license, that finally turned the tide and got our law passed.

In 2009, the law will be reviewed again, or “Sunset Reviewed”. This is a potentially dangerous time, because as we learned in the 80’s, sunset review is a time when those who have economic interests that oppose midwifery care and homebirth may organize against us. Nationally, we are seeing very strong opposition to homebirth and we believe that there will be a significant and organized campaign against midwifery in Florida this sunset review.

Also, the way the State works, they charge each profession for certain regulating costs. Midwives are always “in the red” because we can not pay the costs required by the State due to the low number of licensees. This means that due to the way the book keeping is done*, it looks like regulating midwifery costs the State of Florida money. This is really bad in our times of budget cuts and lower tax revenues. It means that the State is actually considering deregulating midwifery, which would mean we would mean we would have no new midwives, the ones working would be able to work, and midwifery would be phased into illegality again.

Yes, homebirth midwifery is in danger of becoming illegal again in Florida if we do not organize to protect our birthing choices.

A yahoo group of midwife supporters has formed to discuss ways of organizing to be the voice of consumers in the coming year. You can also have fun and support each other and educate other women about birth! Please join and help organize to protect birth choice for you, your sisters, and your daughters!

If you write or blog, please pass on the word. Please forward this invitation to any interested parties.

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/FloridaFriendsofMidwives/

Peace
Heidi Dahlborg, LM Sarasota, FL

*Each profession has to pay for a part of the Department of Health. They divvy the costs up by the number of licensees. Well, there are thousands of nurses and doctor to share costs, so they can pay their costs with low license fees. They pay only a hundred or so dollars every two years for a license and cover the costs. Well there are only 130 midwives, and so we have the same portion to cover and only a few of us to do it. We pay $500 for our licenses, and we still have a $800,000 state budget deficit for midwives due to how the calculations are done. This endangers midwifery. Anyone have a lawyer that can help us change the law on how the accounting is done at Department of Health to be more fair an accurate?

So…she finally asked.

I have been waiting for 6 years-6months-28 days for this question. The ground work has been laid for this the whole time, but most especially over the last 3 months. My daughter was born before I was married to my husband and her father Forrest, but he did not give the seed that started her. We do not lie to her, and intended to tell her the truth, when she asked. I trust God and the Universe, and have been waiting till she asked me, that if she asked, she would be ready to know. She has asked many questions dancing near the actual question..but has never point blank asked, till now.

She has an extensive understanding about how babies are made, and the correct terminology to describe it. She asked, we told the truth. She has understood the actual how-to part of conception {sex} for about 4 months.

Today, she was playing Barbie. She had a mom and dad. They got married. About 5 minutes later, she announced they had a baby to my husband. He remarked “wow! that’s fast!” And I replied “well…that’s about right in our case! ” We chuckled. About 5 minutes later she walked up to us in the kitchen and said “Who gave you the ‘zac’ when you had me?” We both immediately knew what she was asking, but as I have been careful to not just blurt it out to her, I asked her what she meant – what was a ‘zac’. She restated “a ‘zac’, you know, when the sperm swims to the egg and goes into the zac to get inside to make the baby.” She was a little off, but she had the right idea.

It was time.

I walked into the studio off the kitchen and sat down on the floor. She followed, sat down, and asked me what I was doing. I said I wanted to sit. For just a moment, I was hoping she would forget. She didn’t. My husband { whom my daughter was not looking at} had a horrified look on his face, he squinted like he was about to get a shot and waved his head back and forth in that “no, no, no please don’t” way. He walked out of the kitchen since he wasn’t seeming to really be part of the conversation, and he was afraid of what was potentially about to happen.

She said, “so – who gave you the ‘zac’?” And I thought for a moment. I replied, “A man who I loved very much, who did not love me back.” She replied by asking his name, which I obliged, and then what he looked like, which I also met with his hair and eye color. She asked no more questions, and seemed very, like it was just another fact to be absorbed, much like when we discuss dinosaurs or any other intangible thing. We went about our ways, and about 20 minutes later I wanted to know why she asked, why now. So I asked her “why did you think your ‘zac’ was not from daddy?” She answered with “because I was in your wedding pictures.” So I went on to elaborate a little more for her. I told her that when she was a baby about her brothers age {she was 10 months old} we were napping on a blanket in the sun outside and I was reading a book called Primal Mothering, about a family who lives many of the ways we do now, and wanted to then. I asked God to show me the face of my life mate, since I was not with him now. When I asked -I said I was ok with it not being now – but I wanted to see his face. I waited and heard’ Forrest’ in my ear, as if carried by the wind. Over and over again. I thought for a minute and checked through my thinking, to make sure I was not picking this, and it was ok – I didn’t feel like I was forcing it. I contacted his mother that evening as I hadn’t seen him in 2 years to ask where he was living. She let me know he had just moved in with her, and that I should go over. I asked “shouldn’t I call?” She said no- just go over and show up.

So I did. And we went out to the Beach where we were married, and he loved my little belle, and played with her, and hugged her. And he looked deeply into my eyes.. and we stayed – together. We moved in together, and here we are now, married with 4 children including belle.

She asked how daddy knew he loved me, and her. I told her it was a feeling deep in your tummy andeart, inda like when you do something good or bad, how you know something is ‘right’ or ‘belongs’. She seemed to understand, and then I clarified that it gets easier to identify those feelings as you get older, and that pleased her.

I felt better, so very much better. And any tentative anxiety I have held all these years is gone, finally gone.I can take a deep deep breath, and let it go.

He loves her dearly, and she him.

That is all that matters to her, and she does not question it.

My most photogenic daughter, in so many ways.

In an almost unnatural way, she is always posed well and has a nice look on her face.

Even when scowling at her siblings…

I love my daughter very much. She was a gift and a God send, and still is daily. She is a tippie-toe walking fairy princess. She is always smiling, laughing, and trying to cheer me if I am sad or stressed. I try to keep it real with her, I tell the truth as much as I can, and keep it ’swallow-able’ for the big things like money, and ethics.

She wants to know…everything. She likes to sleep in. She likes parties, and tried to throw one at least weekly. And picnics too. And presents, cant make enough of them.
She gotta tell everyone that she meets who talks to her for a minute that we eat “organic’, which to her means all the ‘rules’ we follow… vegan, little grain, mostly raw, no yeast, etc. She tells them ‘ so you can be healthy, and live long’,, and she means it.

I am in love with her, and waiting daily for the new things she says and the ideas she sprouts, the the morals she forms, which, by the way, are not exactly always ours.

So, after all this, I realize that it may not be clear that I love my other daughter as well, but this post is about Annabelle.

I love you.